he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
