In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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