He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
