the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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