I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
