So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
