mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
