did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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