Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
