I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
