He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
