I met the friendliest cop last night
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
