He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
