Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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