she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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