It was confusing and full of hummus
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
