It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
