I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
