just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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