After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
