Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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