I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
