All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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