I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
