worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
