My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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