A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
