I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
