He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
