We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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