dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
