we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
