we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
