Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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