I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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