So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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