yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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