and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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