I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
