Cold hands, warm shart.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
