I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
