I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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