I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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