You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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