Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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