My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
