He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize