i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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