I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
