Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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