There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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