Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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