i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
