In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
